Wholistic Fitness

Namaste Noble Warriors!

i have been feeling very American recently. this is because in the past 48 hours i have 1) gone to the Dentist and 2) voted. 1&2 are very American things. as American as apple pie. i cannot eat apple pie. too many calories and the texture is not very dependable; sometimes it is great and sometimes it just sucks. i can�t live like that. as an athlete and yogic warrior, i need a treat i can count on. but i can count on going to the Dentist regularly and voting which are only slightly less important than eating inconsistently textured apple pie. i can eat banana cream pie however. and sometimes i do. but only if i earn it…say, like riding my bicycle extremely long distances such as from here to the little Greek township of Farenzafiratopolis and back. you may have heard of this place. it is not very American (for one thing it is an island) but they have wonderful banana cream pie.

anyway back to #1 as mentioned above. i went to the dentist to �get my teeth cleaned�. everybody in this great nation of ours should do this regularly. on or before November 5th if possible. otherwise, you run the real risk of ending up like the Anasazi (aka; the �Ancient Ones�) of the American (not Greek) southwest which, as some of you know, is where i come from. these poor, drought stricken, patina pecking, pre-historic souls did not have their �teeth cleaned� regularly by a Dentist and ended up drilling holes into their skulls to relieve the splitting pain of toothaches. i am not making this up. you yourself can book a flight through www.southwest.com (aka;southwest.com) and go to places like Chaco Canyon and see Anasazi skulls with the actual holes still visible in the bone. i find this excruciatingly fascinating because, personally, i would never do such a thing to myself. a toothache, i can live with. but to drill into your own skull? geez, you gotta have a hole in your head to want to do that. hec, i would not even have a friend, such as my wife or my cat, do it to me either. drill into my skull, i mean. not even with modern-day Dentist�s instruments such as the new Black n�Decker Model 234Bc8-3. which, by the way, i might get my dad for the upcoming holiday (even though my dad is not a Dentist) (he is not even, shhhh….Greek!). (He is however, quickly becoming an Ancient One.)

instead of worrying about killing ourselves because of toothache, Modern Science has evolved in Dentistry so the only things we need to really worry about are two demonic creatures, Plaque and Tartar, (named after the two famous demonic creatures of Greek mythology, Plaque and Tartar). This terrible twosome will, if left unchecked, gleefully turn your once beautiful mouth into a hellish internal cavern where many terrible Things occur and then, what is worse, multiply. you should listen closely to all this because i am a Certified Personal Fitness Trainer (aka; CPFT) and have spent countless hours studying about such Things that can and will invade your body to hamper your health (as well as your understanding of Greek mythology – which by the way, comes from a Greek word meaning, �Greek mythology�).

if it weren�t for CPFT�s like myself, you might not even know the difference between Plaque and Tartar. which, by the way, i do. it was on one of the quizzes i had to pass to become certified as a Personal Fitness Trainer (aka; PFT). in fact, the only thing that separates a CPFT and a Dentist (aka; DMD) is a slight deviation between our incisors and second bicuspids. This deviation results, astonishingly enough, in the number of cute, perky assistants we are each permitted to have. boy, the things you don�t know about the professional fitness business, eh? that is exactly why i created DIRECT LINES (aka; DL)…to tap you into the insider scoop within the fitness world. but as i was saying, the main difference between Plaque and Tartar is that one is soft and one is hard. now, i don�t want to get any more technical than that or you might get confused. but, i will let you know however that Tartar (aka; tar-tar) can also be used very nicely as a side accompaniment to scallops (which in Greek are called, scallions (aka; shallots)).

now that i have cleared all that up for you, i want to talk about the really important stuff to your long term personal fitness… banana cream pie (aka; voting). voting is very important because it means you must 1) Find and, 2) Fight your way toward something called a Personal Polling Place (aka; PP Place). these �PP Places� are strategically situated by the Federal Government (aka; The Feds) so that no person with any measure of common sense would ever want to go near them. SIDEBAR: interestingly, The Feds do not allow us to vote via the Internet (formerly known as �The Web� but that term is now officially �so nineties�) because 1)that would be way too convenient for anything Federal, and 2) lead to all sorts of illegal voting which has never occured 1) in our nation�s history or 2) in any state such as, say, Florida, for example). most �PP Places� can be found, however, with enough sustained effort. The Feds know this. they also know that it is your very effort to go vote that continually gives this great country its �moral fiber�. fiber, you may recall from my earlier columns, is good for you. in fact, studies now show that most Anasazi would not have killed themselves so often if 1) they ate more fiber and 2) used banana cream pie as �skull hole caulk�. this is another one of those fascinating health statistics that i find so fascinating and keeps me glued to my profession like a teenager to TV.

however, since – by Federal law – no parking space will ever be allowed within 5 miles of a �PP Place�, most car driving Americans (which, we all know, are the only kind still remaining) will use their well polished common sense and drive right back to McDonalds where they originated their search for their �PP Place� and have another serving of apple pie. this scenario, which occurs every November 5th with Greek like accuracy, accomplishes three things critical to the infrastructure of our great nation; 1) it ensures that only people with absolutely no common sense whatsoever actually vote and, 2) helps most of us meet or exceed our FDA requirement for fiber, and 3) limits the heretofore unprecedented �black market marketing funds� which have fueled underground political efforts to make Farenzafiratopolis the permanent home of the summer Olympics.

It is a good thing therefore, i think, for us fitness warriors to 1) go to the Dentist and 2) vote. i only say this because, as you can tell, my yoga practice has provided for me 1) firmer teeth, and 2) a deep understanding of engaged national and global politics than has say, your average hole-in-the-brain Anasazi.

anyway, if this column inspires you to do anything on this great Election Day, i hope it makes you feel good about 1) being an American and 2) doing what we do best; eating banana cream pie.

i bow to you,

coach ilg

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